I'd rather do it myself (another step towards failure)

"If you're up against a problem, meet it squarely face to face........"

     One of the things I've noticed with many of my intensive in-home counseling clientele is the propensity of many parents, particularly single mothers, to allow their children, primarily sons, to avoid things that they are not particularly talented at. In many cases these parents will do household chores for the boys stating "If I let him do it, I'll have to do it all over again. He does a horrible job. Id rather do it myself."

     Interestingly enough these same parents will then complain that the child is irresponsible. To many times the old adage "Mothers love their sons, and raise their daughters." rings true. The suggestion that these parents compel these sons to complete the chore and to teach them how to meet a standard is often met with resistance. Teaching them to walk by extending your hands in front of the infant, and baby-talking with them to teach them to walk was adorable and fun, but teaching them to be responsible seems like pulling teeth.

     If you want your child to be responsible, you have to give him responsibility and guide him while he moves from under-performance to satisfactory performance, to enable him to become responsible. "I've told him a thousand times..." is normally expressed by these parents. Explaining, discussions, nagging, yelling, or subtle hints normally doesn't work. Meet the problem squarely face to face with action, not with words. The opposite option normally leads your son another step towards failure.

SV

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     If you have consumer debt, and you'd like to reduce the interest rate, and the amount owed, give me a text or a call @ 757-932-0177. Seko Varner is from Positive Vibes Inc. This company combines entertainment, counseling, community activism, financial literacy and debt reduction counseling.
     Seko is also in high demand as a special events DJ and owns an event marketing service. Seko has diverse background in business, financial services, real estate, radio, counseling and education (WHEW). Visit www.HappilyEverAfter.Be or call 757-932-0177 for more details. At the time of this posting Seko is not active with World Financial Group, nor with financial services marketing.

Guest post - Feelin’ Some Kinda Way About Single Parenthood

Feelin’ Some Kinda Way ~ About Single Parenthood

By angelinad

I woke up this morning and realized something – I’m tired!

I recently had a conversation with a married male friend who told me that he wanted to give me props. He was just leaving from a meeting of a volunteer board in which is he is a member, headed to pick up his children from day care and take then to little league practice. I believe it was his day to do so, and his wife would be headed home from work to get dinner started and waiting for her husband and children to get home. On the average week, he and his wife split the duties of shuttling the children around. They both work full time in jobs that are not exclusively 9 to 5, have outside commitments in their community and are active in their church. I was quietly wondering when they have time for each other.
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This is a guest post from AngelinaD. The full original post ,ay be found here:
http://angelinad.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/i-woke-up-this/
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This week, I worked my 9 to 5 each day. On several days during the week, I prepared dinner (my teenage daughter is on deck the other days); I shuttled my children to alternate activities on alternating days; I did laundry; I had two meetings with potential clients, I completed some work for an existing client; I picked up prescriptions for my mother and ran errands for her; I remembered that my inspection is due and I need an oil change; I took the children to the movies; and loaded groceries in the car in the rain. I wrote some things…this is all I care to share – this week. I am not alone. There are many single parents who share my plight, and we do what we do because there is no other positive choice, and because we can.

As single parents, we often find ourselves in situations that tire us out. The best we can hope for is often that we have children that are well-behaved and easy to manage. In recent years, I’ve had the best of both worlds; and at times, the worst of both worlds. So, I can relate; and I encourage single parents to remember to find ways to take a moment for yourself – to constantly rebuild yourself and to rejuvenate your spirit. Regardless of the behaviors we are faced to deal with, our children are still children. And so, we must remember that at all times. We try things that didn’t work and try some things that did. We sometimes must penalize one child because of the behaviors of another, simply because you are only one person and cannot do it all. I’m feelin’ some kinda way about single parenthood because parenthood is hard, but when you are one person, your time and responsibilities are stretched to the point of discomfort. Some people deal with the discomfort better than others. Remember to reach out and access your resources – social services, parks & recreation, community programs. Look into mentoring programs and encourage activities. It has been said that the idle mind is the devil’s workshop; work towards little idle time for your children. Remember we are all working towards the same goal – raising kids who can take care of themselves and benefit their families and the world.

“When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go…you know…I went.” ~Forrest Gump

Maybe you asked for your single parent status, and maybe you didn’t. But, either way, do what you need…when you need…and remember your children…to give them what they need….

http://angelinad.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/i-woke-up-this/
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Seko Varner is from Positive Vibes Financial, a World Financial Group team of financial services agents. They specialize in debt reduction, investments, and insurances. Seko is also in high demand as a special events DJ and owns an event marketing service. Seko has diverse background in business, real estate, counseling and education. Seko is active with numerous Youth Mentorship programs and has a background in radio and television. Visit www.HappilyEverAfter.Be or call 757-248-3820 for more details.

Sunday Schooled - I'm Bigger than that.

"I'm bigger than that."

I had a dear friend ask me today how I was able to get past the "kid-resentment". I mentioned to him how at times I had problems with the time that my children take from me and the opportunities that having a family has prevented me from taking. He is a father as well, and is struggling with something that I heard other men speak of privately. I'm sure it sounds like a weakness of the spirit to speak of this in public, so I believe that many fathers keep this to ourselves. Actually, I've only heard a few mothers speak of the Kid-resentment factor.. I'm not sure what to make of that revelation.

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'Sunday Schooled' is a re-posting of Seko's former blog posts. This is a re-post of a posting dated July 8, 2008. During that time Seko's father and mother-in-law were still alive.

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My experience in Fatherhood has been based in marriage, in the creation of the foundation of a family. So in many ways this resentment is more of a difficulty of Family than it is with being a Father. When entering my marriage the idea that the two will share each others dreams seems all-inclusive. It's been my experience that our dreams are shared to an extent in the best of situations. For instance: I've always dreamed of living out of the country for a few years, my wife can't imagine being physically away from her family. My dream, her nightmare. There really is no way that the two dreams can be reconciled fully. In my decision to become one with my beloved I had to attempt to kill my dream. Simply visiting or traveling isn't my dream. Having a vacation home out of the country for a few months isn't my dream. The specifics of my particular dream will never come to fruition unless my Wife kills her dream of always being in close proximity with her family. A commitment to a relationship means the killing of some of one's dreams in some way. This situation causes some resentment. I'm sure this resentment is natural and healthy and expected and all that other BS......It's something I have to deal with. I see the commitment I have with my children as having a similar experience.

In becoming a Father I have to let go of some of my agenda-items. I have to make decisions to engage in activities that I'm not fully interested in, not really concerned with. Working for, and knowing that my movements are for the greater good, is not always going to make me feel good and in many instances don't match with my agenda. I can say that the joy and accomplishments I see in my children seem to quell the rise of resentment. The hugs and interest I receive from my kids often dispel the dream/freedom-loss that I experience. I told this friend to hug his kids more, enjoy their experiences, and to spend more time with them and his resentment will fade.

So then my friend wanted to know what he could do when the hugs, the interest, the pride, the love, the sharing, the accomplishments are not enough to wash away the resentment. I shared how I often tell myself "I'm bigger than that." seems to work for me. I use these few words as a mantra almost daily, not out of ritual, but out of necessity......

I've had to kill some of my dreams to be in a relationship. I've had to kill some of my dreams to be a father. Truthfully I have to keep killing these dreams as they seem to arise the next day, next week, next year. I found that these dreams are similar to a Phoenix, rising out of the ashes. It's similar to the "Christian" construct of dying to self daily to allow the Christ to live in you daily (I'm aware that historically the concept of dying to self daily to allow the creator to live more fully is older than my religion.....Back-up off of me you haters). I have to die to self daily to allow the Father and Husband in me live. Being myself and being a Father doesn't always jibe. Being a Father is a more developed position that being myself ever could be. Having a committed relationship is a far more advanced state of existence than simply 'being myself' could ever be. The truth is, being in a relationship makes one bigger.

I ended the conversation with my friend realizing that I really had nothing concrete to help him over the hump except for him to know that I was always here for him to speak too. Upon the close of our conversation I realized that having my friend to bounce ideas, concerns, and worries off of has indeed made me bigger. I just pray that he feels bigger from our call. Bless you my friend, let's grow together ! Daddies til' the day we die !

Seko
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Seko Varner is from Positive Vibes Financial, a World Financial Group team of financial services agents. They specialize in debt reduction, investments, and insurances. Seko is also in high demand as a special events DJ and owns an event marketing service. Seko has diverse background in business, real estate, counseling and education. Seko is active with numerous Youth Mentorship programs and has a background in radio and television. Visit www.HappilyEverAfter.Be or call 757-248-3820 for more details.

Umoja, Unity - We Are One in Splendor

We are one in splendor:
We stayed in the house today (12/26/2012). We watched BET's marathon of Alex Haley movies and explained aspects of America's history of Improvement with our children. In the midst of the marathon I smiled thinking how far my family has come based upon the stories my grandmothers told me of our history. I also grimaced, considering the difficult Christmas time my family has had this year. On New Years Eve I consoled a tearful and shaking woman who wondered aloud "I fought to stay alive for this ? I didn't stay alive for this life." Her words were like a cold drink on a bad tooth. I struggled to remain calm and whisper "I glad... We're glad that you decided to fight. We're glad you're alive Mom." Mom then shared her despair that the family seemed dis-jointed and her fears that wounds would never heal. "I just want us to be ONE." Forcing a smile I struggled to say "We Are One. We will remain one." I then prayed to the Almighty for Oneship' followed by talking in-my-mind to the memory of my Father and Mother-In-Law. "Dad, Mom (Mother-in-law) - a familiar presence is needed." I needed a sign.

The next morning I awoke and prayed "Yeshua (Jesus), As your followers celebrate your birth, allow my family to feel your splendor." Later that afternoon my revered Sister (Sister-in-law) became engaged. Later that afternoon the wounds that afflicted my family began healing. Later that afternoon I delivered a Christmas plate from a family get-together to my Mum who was finally sleeping soundly. It is truly beautiful and splendid for brethren to dwell together in Unity. I awoke this morning to a day that we dedicate to Building and Maintaining Unity in the family, community, nation and race. Habari Gani ? - Umoja (Unity). We are one in splendor.
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From December 26th, 2007:
http://daddyvarner.blogspot.com/2007/12/we-are-one.html

We are one.... Today we had a PJday. We remained in the home and the kids and the Wifey never left their pajamas. I left the home only to turn in some paperwork at one of my side hustles, and also to buy some food from Choice Pizza & Subs in Virginia Beach. We stayed in the whole day and played, watched t.v., ate together, and had family time. During dinner I turned off the television and picked up a newspaper article that asked the question "What do you know about Kwanzaa ?"

I've been celebrating Kwanzaa for over 30 years. While in Columbus, Ohio my pops/mum sponsored Dr. Karenga (The main creator of the American Kwanzaa celebration) and his equally radical wife to stay with us as he did a three day cultural event for my pops' church Advent United Church of Christ. My Father (aided by my Mum) built this church from a few follks in my parent's living room. We had been celebrating our Kwanzaa for about seven years when Karenga came. He was a bit much for me then, as I really wanted just to fit in and Columbus Ohio in the 1980's was still a little scared of Kwanzaa. Each day during Kwanzaa in the 80's a group of Afrika-loving folk would gather together in homes, community centers, churches and in parks (t'was really cold in the parks) and revel in our ancestral love. (Circa 1977 - 1986) I loved these celebrations as people got together and pot-lucked, listened to story tellers, danced to African Drums from Tony West and The Imani Dancers, partied with a D.J. who threw-down, and the ladies were so hot !

Today will be my children's 7th and 6th Kwanzaa respectively. Kwanzaa is just something our family does, my parents have a well attended family Kwanzaa celebration every year and my daughter previously danced with a group (http://www.suwabiafricanballet.com/) named Suwabi Afrikan Ballet. I have also coordinated a long standing Kwanzaa celebration for the Imani Foundation (http://www.imanifoundation.com/) for about nine yars (tomorrow will be the 19th annual event for Imani Foundation which is 12 years old...we were members of Uhuruu African American Cultural for seven years and ran our program under that moniker). This year I declined to coordinate the event, and I will resign my position as the President of The Imani Foundation on 12/27/2008.

Normally on 12/26 we are at somebodies public event. This year we stayed home, as Kwanzaa should stay at home, as it was intended. Karenga and the U.S. organization (Karenga did develop the celebration with other people) designed public Kwanzaa events as events to teach non-practitioners how to celebrate Kwanzaa. At the close of tonight's dinner I asked my kids (to innitiate our Kwanzaa celebration) "What do you know about Kwanzaa ?" My daughter stated "The Red is for STRUGGLE, the Black is for PEOPLE, the Green is for HOPE." That's not completely the descriptions that the U.S. organization provided, yet that is what I have chosen to teach my kids. I didn't diverge from the truth, I removed some terms that may separate us from our peers. My wife greeted them with "Habri Gani" and my son said "Que Paso" (a loose translation into soulful-spanish). Then he and my daughter both said Umoja. Umoja being the principle of today prompted the question "What is Unity ?" My Son-sun answered that Unity is everything being stuck together and becoming like one. He then explained how the entire world is connected by touching. He said "The chair is touching the floor that's touching the wall that's touching the piano, that's touching the wall that's touching the painting. Everything in the world is touching something and we are all connected. As I searched for the exception to his rule I couldn't find one on a non-sub-atomic level. We are all touching each other in some way. We are all touched and effected by tragedies, and we are all touched by the breath of life. We are all touched by STRUGGLES. We are all touched by other PEOPLE. We are all touched by seeing others operate in HOPE.

I don't celebrate Ramadan but I've been touched by the words and actions of the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan. I'm not Jewish, maybe I'm Hebrew (I'm sure some are not gonna' understand that), but I've been touched by my beloved friends of Temple Beth El who are Biblical Jews (Israelistes) as opposed to Rabbinical Jews. I'm constantly touched by Donnie D. who hosts "The Big Idea" on CNBC (One of my favorite shows and stations). As a child, every Chanukkah in New York (1968 - 1976) was spent with my parent's dear friends the Gluckmans (Rabbi Emeritus Donald N. Gluckman and family) who allowed me to get drunk on wine as a two year old at one of their celebrations when all the adults failed to notice that a little boy was drinking after everyone.

I'm a Conscious-Christian and I've been touched by Christian people and groups who terrorized my family/ancestors with "Accept Christ or die" and the Trail of Tears, and the Klu Klux Klan (yes, they were a Christian group) as well as being loved, touched by, and prayed for by Christian absolute strangers who saw a frown on my face as I struggled with something in life. I never could think of anything to debunk my son's theory. As I considered the origins of mankind I began singing a Frankie Beverly and Maze tune..... "We are one." My sons' simple observation was truly profound. We are one. May we remain one. May we exemplify oneness. One love yall'. Happy Ramadan, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy New Year. Whatever you celebrate, I celebrate you !
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Post script - I am well aware of Dr. Karenga's past and the environment that the Kwanzaa celebration was birthed into. The celebrants of Kwanzaa that I associate with view Karenga's past and movement towards Improvement as we view America's past and America's movement towards improvement. We also value that the last letter "A" in Kwanzaa is a tribute to "America" (The term Kwanza has one ending letter "A", the celebration Kwanzaa ends with "AA" which nods to Afro-America".) Also we embrace that Kwanzaa was a man-made creation similar to Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, and all other Holy-Days and Holidays. Lastly we embrace that while Dr. Karenga and the U.S. Organization did not place the date to conflict with Christmas although in the 3rd century Christmas was changed from it's earlier various dates (notable January 6th as the Orthodox and Coptic Churches still celebrate Christmas on January 6th) as one of the many tactics the early church used to stamp out earlier religious and cultural celebrations that were on December 25th in order to force conversion to our beloved Christianity.
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Seko Varner is from Positive Vibes Financial, a World Financial Group team of financial services agents. They specialize in debt reduction, investments, and insurances. Seko is in high demand as a special events DJ and owns an event marketing service. Seko has diverse background in real estate, personal finance, business, counseling and education. Seko is active with numerous Youth Mentorship programs and has a background in radio and television. Visit www.HappilyEverAfter.Be or call 757-248-3820 for more details.

Sunday Schooled - Thanksgiving...Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving.....Giving Thanks....

     Thanksgiving was frequently spent at a relatives or parents-friends home (according to memory). The fondest of which were always with my pops side of the family. Today I'm thankful that Pops is alive. A while ago Dad was in the hospital and most recently Mom was in the hospital. The idea of being without a parent hit me like a Tyson blow (pre-carnivorous Tyson) . I've never been without either of my parents, the thought of the loss is a bit for me to fathom.

     I've long left the myth of the so-called Indian and so-called Pilgrims alone (I'm actually struggling with keeping quiet while these teachers are teaching my children that myth.......However, I realize I live in America. Attacking that myth will seem like selling USA-Haterade, almost Al-Quida'ish.) Thanksgiving has become a little more to me that the bull-chips presented in the commercial media which has become American culture.
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 'Sunday Schooled' is a collection of blog posts from Seko Varner's former blogs. This post was dated 11/22/2007 while Seko's father, Rev. Dr. Samuel Varner was alive. 

Original post:http://drivingmrdaddy.blogspot.com/2007/11/thanksgiving.html

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      I'm thankful for the lessons and life of Mom and Dad (note the photo of my parents to the left). I'm thankful to be a Dad. I look forward to tomorrow as my parents are currently doing well, but I know that the time is forthcoming for me to be parent-less. That frightens me more than I can express. 

 

      It's weird to be scared for my parents, I used to be scared of them. That fear kept me from doing a lot of things my peers became involved in. As a teen Pops would stay up at night and inspect my eyes and breath as I returned from DJing a party or hanging out. As a teen I was constantly worried that Dad would do a pop visit at my school catching me being a teenager. He did a few of those and the fear of them kept me on my toes. Currently I'm afraid that I will disappoint pops more that worrying about his blows. Interestingly enough that fear of disappointing my parents has geared me towards what people always seem to attribute to being in a church. I'm constantly asked "What church do you belong to ?" Folks seem surprised that I attend a church weekly but am not a member of any church. My behavior is truly more of a function of not wanting to disappoint my parents, my ancestors, and God rather than simply having a church inspired life. I remember the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan saying that a child first understands God through his parents. I'm thankful that I was raised by Yeshua (Jesus) by way of my parents. My father, the Minister, frequently told his flock "People would rather see a sermon that hear one." I grew up in a sermon and I'm thankful. I could have done without the "Spare the rod and spoil the child" sermon however. OUCH !

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Post script: 11/22/2012 - Today both my father and Mother-In-law are both ancestors of three years (May their memory continue to be a blessing). My Father-In-Law has remarried (Ashee), and my Mother is beginning to be embrace a life without her husband (Ashee-Amen). Today I am giving thanks for my ancestors. I walk in the glory of their struggle. Their blood, sweat, and tears..... and their laughter, joy, and prayers, has become the golden streets of our existence. Today I give thanks for my family. Today I give thanks for my family who are marching and remembering by mourning the lives of those who were decimated as a result of the actions of the man we call Christopher Columbus. Today I give thanks for what America has become, those who defend our country, and those who struggled to make it what it is.
Seko
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Seko Varner is from Positive Vibes Financial, a World Financial Group team of financial services agents. They specialize in debt reduction, investments, and insurances. Seko is in high demand as a special events DJ and owns an event marketing service. Seko has diverse background in business, counseling and education and has a background in radio and television. www.HappilyEverAfter.Be or 757-248-3820 for details.

Sunday Schooled - Daddy doesn't take points.

Daddy doesn't take points. 

The wifey' has developed a point system to address the sun-son's third grade transition. Whenever he makes a 'bad choice' he looses points. At the beginning of the week he begins with 100 points. I've smiled and been very supportive of the process and have reminded him to make sure his behavior doesn't result in a loss of points from his mother.

I didn't realize that he had noticed that I hadn't used the point system in my guiding interactions with lil' man. He shared with my wifey' "Daddy doesn't take points. Maybe you should teach him how..." One morning I reminded him of his morning duties prior to taking my shower. As I finished getting dressed I checked-in on the lil' ones to ensure progress. I didn't hear the lil' ones upstairs so I traveled downstairs meeting my son at the bottom of the stairs with a surprised look on his face. "Did you clean your floor and make your bed son ?" He said "Uh....No Dad." I asked "Didn't I ask you to do your morning duties ?". He took one step up the stairs and turned around looking at me and returned "You really need to learn how to take away points Dad." I looked up responding "I don't take points, I give spankings." He ran up the stairs, did his duties, did his sister's duties, and turned off the lights in my room........Amen......Ashee.....

Seko Varner
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'Sunday Schooled' is a collection of blog posts from Seko Varner's former blogs. This post was dated 10/26/2008 while Seko's father, Rev. Dr. Samuel Varner was alive. 

Original post:http://daddyvarner.blogspot.com/2008/10/daddy-doesnt-take-points.html

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Seko Varner is from Positive Vibes Financial, a World Financial Group team of financial services agents. They specialize in debt reduction, investments, and insurances. Seko is also in high demand as a special events DJ and owns an event marketing service. Seko has diverse background in business, counseling and education. He has been real estate agent, a school counselor, a teacher, and an Intensive In-Home Counselor. Seko is active with numerous Youth Mentorship programs and has a background in radio and television. Visit www.HappilyEverAfter.Be or call 757-248-3820 for more details.