"I'm bigger than that."
I
had a dear friend ask me today how I was able to get past the
"kid-resentment". I mentioned to him how at times I had problems with
the time that my children take from me and the opportunities
that having a family has prevented me from taking. He is a father as
well, and is struggling with something that I heard other men speak of
privately. I'm sure it sounds like a weakness of the spirit to speak of
this in public, so I believe that many fathers keep this to ourselves.
Actually, I've only heard a few mothers speak of the Kid-resentment
factor.. I'm not sure what to make of that revelation.
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'Sunday Schooled' is a re-posting of Seko's former blog posts. This is a re-post of a posting dated July 8, 2008. During that time Seko's father and mother-in-law were still alive.
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My
experience in Fatherhood has been based in marriage, in the creation of
the foundation of a family. So in many ways this resentment is more of a
difficulty of Family than it is with being a Father. When entering my
marriage the idea that the two will share each others dreams seems
all-inclusive. It's been my experience that our dreams are shared to an
extent in the best of situations. For instance: I've always dreamed of
living out of the country for a few years, my wife can't imagine being physically
away from her family. My dream, her nightmare. There really is no way
that the two dreams can be reconciled fully. In my decision to become
one with my beloved I had to attempt to kill my dream. Simply visiting
or traveling isn't my dream. Having a vacation home out of the country
for a few months isn't my dream. The specifics of my particular dream
will never come to fruition unless my Wife kills her dream of always
being in close proximity with her family. A commitment to a relationship
means the killing of some of one's dreams in some way. This situation
causes some resentment. I'm sure this resentment is natural and healthy
and expected and all that other BS......It's something I have to deal
with. I see the commitment I have with my children as having a similar
experience.
In becoming a Father I have to let go of
some of my agenda-items. I have to make decisions to engage in
activities that I'm not fully interested
in, not really concerned with. Working for, and knowing that my
movements are for the greater good, is not always going to make me feel
good and in many instances don't match with my agenda. I can say that
the joy and accomplishments I see in my children seem to quell the rise
of resentment. The hugs and interest I receive from my kids often dispel
the dream/freedom-loss that I experience. I told this friend to hug his
kids more, enjoy their experiences, and to spend more time with them
and his resentment will fade.
So then my friend wanted to know what he could do when the hugs, the interest, the pride, the love, the sharing, the accomplishments are not enough to wash away the resentment. I shared how I often tell myself "I'm bigger than that." seems to work for me. I use these few words as a mantra almost daily, not out of ritual, but out of necessity......
I've had to kill some of my dreams to be in a relationship. I've had to kill some of my dreams to be a father. Truthfully I have to keep killing these dreams as they seem to arise the next day, next week, next year. I found that these dreams are similar to a Phoenix, rising out of the ashes. It's similar to the "Christian" construct of dying to self daily to allow the Christ to live in you daily (I'm aware that historically the concept of dying to self daily to allow the creator to live more fully is older than my religion.....Back-up off of me you haters). I have to die to self daily to allow the Father and Husband in me live. Being myself and being a Father doesn't always jibe. Being a Father is a more developed position that being myself ever could be. Having a committed relationship is a far more advanced state of existence than simply 'being myself' could ever be. The truth is, being in a relationship makes one bigger.
I ended the conversation with my friend realizing that I really had nothing concrete to help him over the hump except for him to know that I was always here for him to speak too. Upon the close of our conversation I realized that having my friend to bounce ideas, concerns, and worries off of has indeed made me bigger. I just pray that he feels bigger from our call. Bless you my friend, let's grow together ! Daddies til' the day we die !
So then my friend wanted to know what he could do when the hugs, the interest, the pride, the love, the sharing, the accomplishments are not enough to wash away the resentment. I shared how I often tell myself "I'm bigger than that." seems to work for me. I use these few words as a mantra almost daily, not out of ritual, but out of necessity......
I've had to kill some of my dreams to be in a relationship. I've had to kill some of my dreams to be a father. Truthfully I have to keep killing these dreams as they seem to arise the next day, next week, next year. I found that these dreams are similar to a Phoenix, rising out of the ashes. It's similar to the "Christian" construct of dying to self daily to allow the Christ to live in you daily (I'm aware that historically the concept of dying to self daily to allow the creator to live more fully is older than my religion.....Back-up off of me you haters). I have to die to self daily to allow the Father and Husband in me live. Being myself and being a Father doesn't always jibe. Being a Father is a more developed position that being myself ever could be. Having a committed relationship is a far more advanced state of existence than simply 'being myself' could ever be. The truth is, being in a relationship makes one bigger.
I ended the conversation with my friend realizing that I really had nothing concrete to help him over the hump except for him to know that I was always here for him to speak too. Upon the close of our conversation I realized that having my friend to bounce ideas, concerns, and worries off of has indeed made me bigger. I just pray that he feels bigger from our call. Bless you my friend, let's grow together ! Daddies til' the day we die !
Seko
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Seko Varner is from Positive Vibes Financial, a World Financial Group team of financial services agents. They specialize in debt reduction, investments, and insurances. Seko is also in high demand as a special events DJ and owns an event marketing service. Seko has diverse background in business, real estate, counseling and education. Seko is active with numerous Youth Mentorship programs and has a background in radio and television. Visit www.HappilyEverAfter.Be or call 757-248-3820 for more details.
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